Reflections from our discussion of The Courage Habit by Kate Swoboda
One question kept coming back during our book club discussion:
What do we really want?
The question sounds simple. In practice, it can be surprisingly difficult to answer. One of the ideas from The Courage Habit that resonated strongly with our group was the realisation that sometimes we don’t really know who we are or what we truly want. Before we can make courageous decisions, we may first need to become more honest about the life we actually desire.
What do you want from work?
For some of us, the answer wasn’t simply “a good job.”
We talked about freedom, flexibility, meaningful work, financial independence, and having control over our own time.
Some described realizing that the traditional office environment wasn’t for her. What she wanted was the ability to decide when and where she worked, while still earning enough to support the life she wanted.
Another described leaving a corporate environment and moving toward freelancing for a similar reason.
The interesting part was that neither conversation was really about escaping work.
It was about designing a different relationship with work.
What if success isn’t only about how much we earn or what position we have? What if it is also about whether our work allows us to live the life we value?
What do you want from life?
Another powerful realization was that different parts of life cannot always be separated neatly.
Relationships affect our energy.
Our energy affects how we experience our days.
One described wanting a future family while also wanting a career that would give her enough freedom and flexibility to be present for that family.
We could ask: What kind of life do I want my career to support?
The importance of belonging
One of the most moving parts of our discussion was the subject of belonging.
One participant shared how, during a previous job, she could spend eight hours a day in an office and still feel completely outside the group.
She described feeling like she didn’t belong, even when physically surrounded by people. With the job she is now, she felt visible, appreciated, and needed.
That experience changed how she thought about what she wanted from work.
It wasn’t only about the position, salary, or responsibilities.
It was about belonging.
This made me think about how often we evaluate jobs and communities through external measures while overlooking something much more basic:
Do I feel that I belong here?
Especially when living away from our home countries, belonging can become even more important. Several people in the conversation reflected on what it means to build a sense of home in a new city.
Dream big before becoming realistic
Another participant shared a different struggle.
He knows what he is passionate about.
He is fascinated by ecology, nature, agriculture, microbiology, systems, and education. He wants to contribute to making quality education more accessible.
But his professional background is in computer engineering and cybersecurity.
The challenge isn’t knowing what he wants.
The challenge is figuring out how to make it real.
This brought us to an interesting idea from the book:
Sometimes we become realistic too early. We start calculating the obstacles before we have allowed ourselves to imagine the possibility.
Maybe there is value in separating two questions:
What do I really want?
and only afterwards:
How could I make it possible?
The first question needs imagination.
The second needs courage, experimentation, and practical thinking.
What does freedom mean to you?
Freedom meant different things to different people.
For one person, it meant location independence.
For another, it meant financial freedom.
For someone else, it meant having control over their schedule.
For me, freedom is increasingly connected to something else:
the quality of our everyday life.
Not the quality of the clothes we wear or the things we own.
The quality of the moments we spend with people we love.
The quality of our relationships.
The quality of our work.
The quality of an ordinary Tuesday afternoon.
Life is made of these small pieces of time.
And once we start looking at life this way, the question changes from:
“What do I want to achieve?”
to:
“How do I want to experience my life?”
What do you want from relationships?
This question opened another fascinating part of our discussion.
Some people talked about family, marriage, shared values, responsibility, and building a safe home.
Others talked about friendship and belonging.
For me, the relationship I want is one where both people nurture each other. A relationship where you can be yourself. Where you can share an idea, disagreement, a fear, something ridiculous, or something deeply personal without worrying about being judged.
Someone described it beautifully:
Feeling at home with another person.
Not performing.
Not pretending.
Just being able to exhale.
That may be one of the simplest descriptions of emotional safety.
We cannot control other people
The conversation then moved into a very different but connected idea: control.
One participant brought up Stoicism and the distinction between what we can control and what we cannot.
We cannot control what another person says.
We cannot control how another person behaves.
We cannot control whether a relationship works out.
We can control our own actions, our own responses, and how we choose to participate.
That sounds obvious.
But it is surprisingly difficult to practice.
Especially in relationships.
We often spend enormous amounts of energy trying to manage an outcome that is ultimately outside our control.
Perhaps courage sometimes means letting go of that control.
Not because we don’t care.
But because we recognize where our responsibility ends.
Culture changes the conversation
What started as a question about relationships became a fascinating cross cultural discussion.
Different participants shared very different traditions around marriage, financial responsibility, and divorce.
What was considered normal in one culture was surprising to someone from another.
And this reminded us of something important:
Many of our ideas about relationships are not purely personal.
They are shaped by our families, cultures, religions, laws, and traditions.
Sometimes we assume that our way of seeing relationships is simply “normal.”
Until we meet someone who grew up with a completely different definition of normal.
That is one of the beautiful things about having these conversations in an international network.
We don’t just exchange opinions.
We discover the assumptions underneath our opinions.
So, what do we really want?
After the discussion, I kept returning to the original question.
What do I really want?
Maybe the answer isn’t a job title.
Maybe it isn’t a relationship status.
Maybe it isn’t a certain amount of money.
Maybe it is something underneath all of these things.
Freedom.
Belonging.
Meaning.
Love.
Safety.
Curiosity.
Time.
The ability to be ourselves.
And perhaps courage begins here.
Not with having the perfect five year plan.
But with being honest enough to ask:
If nobody else was telling me what my life should look like, what would I choose?
And then, perhaps, having the courage to take one small step toward it.
A question for you
What do you really want from your life?
Not what you think you should want.
What do you actually want?
And what would change if you started designing your life around that answer?